DEAR PARENTS

Dear parents, this is for you.

Your words are very powerful in the life of your child, not just your words, your actions and reactions to every occurrence in life. Be very cautious because these young ones are not just watching but learning and these your words and actions will be the very foundation of most if not all of their perception, comprehension and acceptance of life.

I have two sample cases of the both sides of your role in their lives and the after effect several years after. These samples represent the different sides of a coin.

Let’s borrow the names Jenna and Jessica.

Jenna had a not so well to do father who always made sure Jenna had everything she needed regardless of his financial status. He made plans to ensure his children had the basic needs of education, clothing, shelter, food and the extra needs of birthday gifts, bread from travel and so on, met. If there was an activity in school, Jenna’s father made sure she had all the things required. One day, Jenna was chosen to be part of a bridal train (she was just 12 years), but was reluctant to accept the offer because she didn’t have and couldn’t afford what to wear based on her father’s current financial state. When her father found out, he was cross at her for not coming to meet him. He sat her and told her these words which she recited to me 15 years after.

“My daughter, never forget that you can have anything in this life that someone else has or has had. Never look at yourself as inferior. If someone can afford it, you can afford it by working to get it. Now you don’t have to work but you have a father that can provide for you so never feel you aren’t worth anything in this life. If someone could buy it for his child, if someone could manufacture it and put it in the market for sale, you can have it.”

Afterwards, the father brought out money and gave her to buy the dress. She looked amazing in it. Everyone kept talking about her dress and this made her father so proud of her.  

Today this girl is one of the most ambitious, industrious girls I’ve seen. Her father eventually died. She got sponsored through the university. Whenever she is on break, she either gets a small job or goes into retailing of fashion items, or learns to bake, or learns to make hair, or learns to sew. She is always up and doing with great ambitions. Ambitions I have been too chicken to imagine.

And she would always say; “if somebody has done it before, I can do it”. She has the, I can do, I can have attitude.  

On the flip side of the coin

Jessica has a learned and well-traveled father with degrees from different disciplines but lacks the ability to understand the basic needs of his child and act accordingly. He sees certain basic needs as luxuries because, like all our fathers, he too, trekked long distances to get to school on barefoot before graduating and making it in life. This made him deny Jessica off basic childhood needs. He had and showed the mindset of luxury as a key to destruction and failure in life. He thinks going through unnecessary stress and poverty makes one maintain focus in life; the focus to make it out of poverty. Little did he know he was grooming a child comfortable with poverty; a child who learnt to manage frugal living rather than think of ways to expand and get more out of life; a child comfortable with peanuts in the midst of plenty since that is always what she had got.

Jessica is always laidback and lacks confidence even in her areas of strength. She felt never good enough to deserve the fine things of life after all, she never got her basic needs met even when the money was there and the extra of birthday treats and graduation party were not a thing to mention. Jessica eventually got a mediocre job. She should be working at a better job and going back to school but she has this attitude of “I’m-not-good-enough”. “I-can’t-do-it”. “These jobs are meant for the elite”. She isn’t even comfortable in her skin.

I sat her down one day to ask why. She opened up after a glass of wine. In her own words

“There was a time I was bold. In fact, I was born confident. But my father thought I was never good enough; good enough for the fancy things of life he could afford.  He always said I should do more. So I put in the best I could and came home one day with a 96% average (He never looked at position). All he could say was; “it’s not good enough, you should have put in more work, what happened to the 4%”. That was the day I gave up on life. Now I try never to do my best. Because no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. I will never be enough. All my life, I’ve watched people I’m better than do very well, instead of it to inspire me to try, It just reminds me of what I spent years of childhood hearing. “It’s not good enough”. Maybe that’s why I never got the treats. I never felt special. I never felt good enough to wear the complete set of uniforms, or the neat hairdo, or the birthday gifts, or even the Christmas shopping”.

You see how a parent’s words could tamper with a child’s outlook on life?

We can do better. We should do better.  

Love Deedee

XOXO